One day soon i so very much wish that both my Doctor & therapist agree that i am fit for full time action! There is nothing worse than being advised by both that I am not quite there yet and in fact the Doctor signs you off again for a whole 3 weeks! What on earth are my company thinking about it all!? I've re-read my staff handbook as i am petrified i could be dismissed. I can't be too sure but i am concerned by what it reads - the fact that I could be. Think i need to search into some employment law just in case. If i could help this situation by actually physically being in the office then of course I would be there!
I am going to spend the next 3 weeks trying to get fitter again....have lapsed on my diet recently so need to get more greens into my bod again. I also need to have more physical exercise to regain my sleeping patterns. For about the 5th time this year I am again on antibiotics....partly as I had a very bad gum infection and also my chest is not fit yet...after how many antib's! In 3 weeks time I may even have another blood test to check my levels so am hoping if i pull myself together i will be able to pass with flying colours.
It's my birthday on Wednesday so would like to think my new tabs will have kicked in and at least i can have some enjoyment. Unsure of plans as yet for Weds but hopefully it will be sunny as at least that will put a smile on my face. I'd like a family meal but think that will have to be arranged on another date as my sister is working that night & my bro is busy elsewhwere. Nothing better than seeing family at the moment.
On my next report, i hope to be healthier & more positive! You never know, i might even be able to write about something joyful!
Saturday 17 May 2008
Thursday 8 May 2008
Unfamiliar Territory
Strange really when you're so used to having such a work obsessive side to you that actually when things change they affect you so much.
I have been back to work part time since being unwell and the whole working environment feels so different! I sit apart from my team, although as someone has left recently i may be changing this. I also am not given even an 1/8 of the work i had before and probably a lot less than that.
From a company point of view I'm sure they think it will make me less stressed if they ease me in very gently, but there's gently and just plain nothingness! I sit there at my new desk feeling as though i have been made redundant but not having been told. There is a lovely temp who has been covering for me but again because she has been there some time, she has learnt how each of my colleagues work and the different systems that are in place, hence making me more unnecessary.
However, I know i have not got the same concentration levels and find the journey in just as harrowing as i do being in the office, so i can sort of understand what they are doing. But there's another part of me that wonders.....are they hoping i resign as i'm certainly not on top form as i used to be...or are they worried now about having no HR department and having made constant mistakes throughout my illness that they are trying to cover themselves.
Well, as far as i'm concerned, i think it would make business sense to pay me off and employ someone that is new, rather than me who has been there near to 6 years, and pay less once the temp has left? But then i know i would be so sad to leave a job i used to be so good at. It's not a simple win win situation!
It's just sad really as i am the first to admit that i am slightly defeated at the moment as if i had gone back into my work place and been given the numerous tasks that i used to be given, i just don't think i could cope. I just find it so strange that your brain/body/well being can make such a difference. Work to me is so important so i can't stand this limbo lark. But then again I can't stand the fact I have lost so much confidence etc. since Christmas when i can only describe quickly as losing the plot and gaining help for it!
It also doesn't help at the moment that my drugs have been changed. You unfortunately have to go through the numerous side effects all over again. Doc has put me on over double the dose and these are new tablets so yes there are times when i know i can quite easily just be in a trance. I am so much better keeping myself in company as at least i can follow conversation etc. and the friends that i have and are dear to me, know exactly where i am now and are so good at making me feel better about myself that it makes it all feel easier.
I am not back at work until Monday so at least I have a couple of days where i can catch up on some sleep, hope to relax etc. before going back to the grind on Monday. Wish it was that simple Monday feeling but it never is. It's the fact that you get so wound up and can't cope with it all that makes it so much harder.
But hey, still in constant appointments with the Doc and the quack so should be ok! And then there are the friends and family members that keep you in check, and without them, I could quite easily fall into another "oblivious world" where i don't even leave the flat, so my thanks really would go to them for keeping me going.
I have been back to work part time since being unwell and the whole working environment feels so different! I sit apart from my team, although as someone has left recently i may be changing this. I also am not given even an 1/8 of the work i had before and probably a lot less than that.
From a company point of view I'm sure they think it will make me less stressed if they ease me in very gently, but there's gently and just plain nothingness! I sit there at my new desk feeling as though i have been made redundant but not having been told. There is a lovely temp who has been covering for me but again because she has been there some time, she has learnt how each of my colleagues work and the different systems that are in place, hence making me more unnecessary.
However, I know i have not got the same concentration levels and find the journey in just as harrowing as i do being in the office, so i can sort of understand what they are doing. But there's another part of me that wonders.....are they hoping i resign as i'm certainly not on top form as i used to be...or are they worried now about having no HR department and having made constant mistakes throughout my illness that they are trying to cover themselves.
Well, as far as i'm concerned, i think it would make business sense to pay me off and employ someone that is new, rather than me who has been there near to 6 years, and pay less once the temp has left? But then i know i would be so sad to leave a job i used to be so good at. It's not a simple win win situation!
It's just sad really as i am the first to admit that i am slightly defeated at the moment as if i had gone back into my work place and been given the numerous tasks that i used to be given, i just don't think i could cope. I just find it so strange that your brain/body/well being can make such a difference. Work to me is so important so i can't stand this limbo lark. But then again I can't stand the fact I have lost so much confidence etc. since Christmas when i can only describe quickly as losing the plot and gaining help for it!
It also doesn't help at the moment that my drugs have been changed. You unfortunately have to go through the numerous side effects all over again. Doc has put me on over double the dose and these are new tablets so yes there are times when i know i can quite easily just be in a trance. I am so much better keeping myself in company as at least i can follow conversation etc. and the friends that i have and are dear to me, know exactly where i am now and are so good at making me feel better about myself that it makes it all feel easier.
I am not back at work until Monday so at least I have a couple of days where i can catch up on some sleep, hope to relax etc. before going back to the grind on Monday. Wish it was that simple Monday feeling but it never is. It's the fact that you get so wound up and can't cope with it all that makes it so much harder.
But hey, still in constant appointments with the Doc and the quack so should be ok! And then there are the friends and family members that keep you in check, and without them, I could quite easily fall into another "oblivious world" where i don't even leave the flat, so my thanks really would go to them for keeping me going.
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Bubbles
"Bubbles" - ok, am enjoying a cold diet coke at the moment which inspired me!
But, the thought of bubbles for some reason today keeps me imagining a hot bubbly bath that i can jump into and feel all human and relaxed. Perhaps it's as the weather has changed somewhat & now raining & miserable. I had my first bath a few weeks back at a friends (I only have a shower) and i enjoyed it sooo much! Perhaps with a glass of wine it would be nice!
Having such a bad day at work today that i get concerned there are big bubbles over my head with comments about what i am thinking in speach marks! I won't go into my feelings today as it will just be a repeat of previous blogs!
I also think of bubbles as a child blowing them into the sky and enjoying the rainbow of colours you get as they drift around.
I love the word "bubble" - it's a happy word, makes you smile when you say it!
Anyhow, you maybe able to tell my state of mind today, not being particularly intelectual!
But, the thought of bubbles for some reason today keeps me imagining a hot bubbly bath that i can jump into and feel all human and relaxed. Perhaps it's as the weather has changed somewhat & now raining & miserable. I had my first bath a few weeks back at a friends (I only have a shower) and i enjoyed it sooo much! Perhaps with a glass of wine it would be nice!
Having such a bad day at work today that i get concerned there are big bubbles over my head with comments about what i am thinking in speach marks! I won't go into my feelings today as it will just be a repeat of previous blogs!
I also think of bubbles as a child blowing them into the sky and enjoying the rainbow of colours you get as they drift around.
I love the word "bubble" - it's a happy word, makes you smile when you say it!
Anyhow, you maybe able to tell my state of mind today, not being particularly intelectual!
Monday 21 April 2008
2008 So Far.....
Looking back on 2008 so far is actually quite scary. Considering i lost the majority of January & February to depression and not really facing the world, it has still taken me another 2 months to get back to a part time role in my office. I can't even cope with that particularly well!
It's so hard to try and be brave. The journey into the office is daunting enough. Considering i wouldn't go anywhere on my own not so long ago, i now have to face a 2 hour journey to and from the office going on the tube & train! So, when i got here today i was very proud. But, since being here, i do have the secret urge to go back home and hide where i feel safe.
I visited the Doctor twice last week - i had managed to pick up another viral infection, one very similar to that at Christmas and now am suffering from a kidney infection. So, again, lots of tablets to be taken and again waiting for more results. Doc did say my immune system is rather battered so expect to pick up on all sorts. I also think the additional stress i put on myself, particularly regarding work, does not help in me relaxing and resting as advised.
I really hope and dream that by the end of this year i am able to look back and at least have achieved something! Even if it's having learnt how to deal with my depression in a more constructive manner.
I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow as didn't see him all of last week. I was going to wean myself off from meeting with him as the last time we met, i was so disagreeable - i just found it really tough going. Perhaps i'll see what he says tomorrow as to how often i see him again. Or perhaps the real reason I'm not up for seeing him as often is the fact that it's got so intense and i'm having to be truly honest with my feelings/emotions.
I'd also like to think that by the end of this year i will have discovered true friends. I certainly know whose been there for me in the last few months and who still sticks by me, even through the darkest of moments. I have had the odd letter which really cheers me up, one of which from one of my Father's oldest friends. Strange when you're not in control and unwell - you really find out who loves you.
It's so hard to try and be brave. The journey into the office is daunting enough. Considering i wouldn't go anywhere on my own not so long ago, i now have to face a 2 hour journey to and from the office going on the tube & train! So, when i got here today i was very proud. But, since being here, i do have the secret urge to go back home and hide where i feel safe.
I visited the Doctor twice last week - i had managed to pick up another viral infection, one very similar to that at Christmas and now am suffering from a kidney infection. So, again, lots of tablets to be taken and again waiting for more results. Doc did say my immune system is rather battered so expect to pick up on all sorts. I also think the additional stress i put on myself, particularly regarding work, does not help in me relaxing and resting as advised.
I really hope and dream that by the end of this year i am able to look back and at least have achieved something! Even if it's having learnt how to deal with my depression in a more constructive manner.
I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow as didn't see him all of last week. I was going to wean myself off from meeting with him as the last time we met, i was so disagreeable - i just found it really tough going. Perhaps i'll see what he says tomorrow as to how often i see him again. Or perhaps the real reason I'm not up for seeing him as often is the fact that it's got so intense and i'm having to be truly honest with my feelings/emotions.
I'd also like to think that by the end of this year i will have discovered true friends. I certainly know whose been there for me in the last few months and who still sticks by me, even through the darkest of moments. I have had the odd letter which really cheers me up, one of which from one of my Father's oldest friends. Strange when you're not in control and unwell - you really find out who loves you.
Sunday 23 March 2008
Long Time!!!
Well it's been so long since i was on a pc that i've nearly forgotten how to type!
I really want to write as I need to prove that i am feeling so much more capable on an everyday basis than i was and i am so happy about it! I really think that having seen a therapist has saved my life. So my advice would be that if you are a stubborn character like myself that would normally try and cope on their own, then think again, the longer you leave it the worst it will get. Take a deep breath and swallow your pride! You will feel so much better for it!
Mind you, I seem to have spent most of my time in therapy discussing work matters - it's cost me a fortune! However, i'm really starting to appreciate that I used to be so obsessed by it! I'm under so much stress which admittedly I put upon myself to get back to my normal life of work. I have been off pretty much since Christmas and i feel ashamed by that. I know i shouldn't but it's the fact i have such high expectations of myself that i can't always let myself go! I just feel that i have let myself and my company down recently. But, i will be going into London on Wednesday for a meeting as my Doctor and therapist have really gone down on me with a tonne of bricks to get a phased work plan sorted out. Apparently i should be negotiating a three day week to start with, along with shorter hours so i miss the rush hour where i think i should just be getting back to normal! But, in shock to myself even, so far i have been doing everything by the book and following all my doctor's instructions. I know i have a major expectation of myself but i also have become more realistic that i need to take it slow so i manage to get back to my normal everyday life without any relapses. I just hope my bosses can understand this and give me that extra time. I love my job and i would do anything not to jeopardise it!
Apart from all the bore of ups and downs, feeling suicidal at times, the whole depression, today i have had a fulfilling time. I spent Easter Day with my family and it meant the world to me. We shared laughter and our news with one another and when i was given a lift home by my brother i entered my flat feeling whole rather than at times rather lost and lonely. I am so grateful i have the family i do.
I don't always feel i have the friends that i need at the moment but then hey, a lot of people find it particularly difficult to deal with someone that isn't quite themselves. People are so used to me being confident, extrovert and fun that perhaps when i am more needy, less secure etc it is difficult - i understand this and will not lose friendships in the long term about it.
It's a huge shame that my friends from afar are not in contact very often. In fact, it would seem my life in 7oaks for example didn't exist! There are a couple of people that write the odd text but it's not really the same as a letter etc. but again i know life goes on and if you're not necessarily around you're not present to jolt your friends in remembering your existence!
I hope the next time i manage to get on the pc i can be a lot more positive and have happier thoughts. But am getting there which i hope to be proving!
A couple of awful dates went into one last week which caused a great deal of distress, my divorce was finalised and it would have been my Father's birthday. I ended up on a huge bender which admittedly led me to another overdose 2 days later due to guilt. I realise now that my Father would be distraught if I did something ridiculous like give myself up to the unchristian job of comitting suicide and i would not wish to upset my family and friends. I am on a learning curve on making myself think in different ways and be more realistic about things. Fingers crossed this will not be occuring again!
I really want to write as I need to prove that i am feeling so much more capable on an everyday basis than i was and i am so happy about it! I really think that having seen a therapist has saved my life. So my advice would be that if you are a stubborn character like myself that would normally try and cope on their own, then think again, the longer you leave it the worst it will get. Take a deep breath and swallow your pride! You will feel so much better for it!
Mind you, I seem to have spent most of my time in therapy discussing work matters - it's cost me a fortune! However, i'm really starting to appreciate that I used to be so obsessed by it! I'm under so much stress which admittedly I put upon myself to get back to my normal life of work. I have been off pretty much since Christmas and i feel ashamed by that. I know i shouldn't but it's the fact i have such high expectations of myself that i can't always let myself go! I just feel that i have let myself and my company down recently. But, i will be going into London on Wednesday for a meeting as my Doctor and therapist have really gone down on me with a tonne of bricks to get a phased work plan sorted out. Apparently i should be negotiating a three day week to start with, along with shorter hours so i miss the rush hour where i think i should just be getting back to normal! But, in shock to myself even, so far i have been doing everything by the book and following all my doctor's instructions. I know i have a major expectation of myself but i also have become more realistic that i need to take it slow so i manage to get back to my normal everyday life without any relapses. I just hope my bosses can understand this and give me that extra time. I love my job and i would do anything not to jeopardise it!
Apart from all the bore of ups and downs, feeling suicidal at times, the whole depression, today i have had a fulfilling time. I spent Easter Day with my family and it meant the world to me. We shared laughter and our news with one another and when i was given a lift home by my brother i entered my flat feeling whole rather than at times rather lost and lonely. I am so grateful i have the family i do.
I don't always feel i have the friends that i need at the moment but then hey, a lot of people find it particularly difficult to deal with someone that isn't quite themselves. People are so used to me being confident, extrovert and fun that perhaps when i am more needy, less secure etc it is difficult - i understand this and will not lose friendships in the long term about it.
It's a huge shame that my friends from afar are not in contact very often. In fact, it would seem my life in 7oaks for example didn't exist! There are a couple of people that write the odd text but it's not really the same as a letter etc. but again i know life goes on and if you're not necessarily around you're not present to jolt your friends in remembering your existence!
I hope the next time i manage to get on the pc i can be a lot more positive and have happier thoughts. But am getting there which i hope to be proving!
A couple of awful dates went into one last week which caused a great deal of distress, my divorce was finalised and it would have been my Father's birthday. I ended up on a huge bender which admittedly led me to another overdose 2 days later due to guilt. I realise now that my Father would be distraught if I did something ridiculous like give myself up to the unchristian job of comitting suicide and i would not wish to upset my family and friends. I am on a learning curve on making myself think in different ways and be more realistic about things. Fingers crossed this will not be occuring again!
Saturday 23 February 2008
Escapism
I just want to escape. I hate feeling like I'm falling apart. I hate being on medication. I hate feeling like a nutter as i can't do everyday tasks easily anymore. But i do believe i'm over the darkest days, at least now i don't consider taking my own life. May sound rather dramatic but in fact when you are at your lowest, you even go ahead with an overdose for example as you at that point do not think about anyone you maybe hurting/would leave behind, you are just so incessantly sad, you can no longer think of another way to carry on in life.
You also have times through depression that you feel like a fake as you're ok for perhaps a few hours etc. and act as normal. These times for me are normally when i've talked myself in being in a situation such as with family members for example.
I see a therapist on a regular basis who has at least now managed to get me out of my flat! I didn't always want to leave the safety of being there and entering the scary world outside. We talk and work through different anxieties and i'm hoping that in the next 3 weeks he will help me greatly in getting me back to the office. My sleeping is still so terrible but i am trying to cope with this and with less anxiety about overcoming new fears of travel etc. I should be ok to get back to normal. Nothing is easy though so i must be careful how i strive forward. I worry that when i get back to work they will expect me to be as extrovert and able as i was before i became unwell.
I saw my Doctor again on Thursday and she certainly wasn't happy with me. I have 3 more weeks to get back on track, i must do it! My therapist believes the standards i have for myself are so high that there is no wonder i have difficulty in coping at the moment with not being able to do so much.
If i could make a wish it would be for me to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like new....no need to see Doctor/therapist on a regular basis etc. no doubling up pills etc. as they're not working well enough for me therefore there would be no more nasty side effects etc.
You also have times through depression that you feel like a fake as you're ok for perhaps a few hours etc. and act as normal. These times for me are normally when i've talked myself in being in a situation such as with family members for example.
I see a therapist on a regular basis who has at least now managed to get me out of my flat! I didn't always want to leave the safety of being there and entering the scary world outside. We talk and work through different anxieties and i'm hoping that in the next 3 weeks he will help me greatly in getting me back to the office. My sleeping is still so terrible but i am trying to cope with this and with less anxiety about overcoming new fears of travel etc. I should be ok to get back to normal. Nothing is easy though so i must be careful how i strive forward. I worry that when i get back to work they will expect me to be as extrovert and able as i was before i became unwell.
I saw my Doctor again on Thursday and she certainly wasn't happy with me. I have 3 more weeks to get back on track, i must do it! My therapist believes the standards i have for myself are so high that there is no wonder i have difficulty in coping at the moment with not being able to do so much.
If i could make a wish it would be for me to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like new....no need to see Doctor/therapist on a regular basis etc. no doubling up pills etc. as they're not working well enough for me therefore there would be no more nasty side effects etc.
Wednesday 12 December 2007
Bah Humbug!
What is it about Christmas that makes me so edgy?! I find it the most nauseating time of year....
Perhaps it's all the fake "let's have a Christmas drink/lunch" etc. when you don't do that with that person/those people throughout the year. What's it all about? Perhaps it's just my cynical side coming out but i do believe it's not normal behaviour...if you want to socialise with particular people surely you do this year round not just year end?!
I hate planning at this time of year too. I'm no good at it. It's not the pressie buying i have a problem with, it's the family stuff. I would normally be away for Christmas so not really having to worry about doing family events. My last Christmas with all my family was in 2004 before my Father passing away 6 months later.
I have had grunts from my brother as i will not confirm any arrangements over the festive season as i can't bear to. I'm not sure what it is that holds me back. My Mother has been the most insensitive woman in the last 2/3 weeks as she can't cope with my vulnerability at the moment so whenever i won't pen myself in anywhere she goes ballistic and bright red in the face. I just can't cope with the insincerity of it all.
I even took the day off so i could miss my office do, partly as i haven't been out for lunch with any of them in the last year, and secondly, why would i want to sit with my contemporaries that have taken the pis* out of me all year with their long lunches/sick days etc. just to watch them have another day when they're not lifting a finger..or, do i have the wrong work ethic? Should i be one of those people that turns up and just "does" what is put in front of them with no care, ensure i have exactly one hour for lunch and then leave exactly on time etc. but to me, my Father always taught me that you should love your work. In fact, he made this part of my wedding speech which i will always remember as so beautiful.
Perhaps next year i will feel more settled so i can approach this season again with more positivity. It could be that i just feel i can't cope at the moment, try and put a smile on your face and pretend to be this positive, independent woman.....yet inside, you're really chuffed with yourself for having even emerged from the bedroom and getting yourself to work as really, you just want to hide from the world, and even those individuals you love......bout of depression perhaps, but am sure i've brought it all on myself!
Perhaps it's all the fake "let's have a Christmas drink/lunch" etc. when you don't do that with that person/those people throughout the year. What's it all about? Perhaps it's just my cynical side coming out but i do believe it's not normal behaviour...if you want to socialise with particular people surely you do this year round not just year end?!
I hate planning at this time of year too. I'm no good at it. It's not the pressie buying i have a problem with, it's the family stuff. I would normally be away for Christmas so not really having to worry about doing family events. My last Christmas with all my family was in 2004 before my Father passing away 6 months later.
I have had grunts from my brother as i will not confirm any arrangements over the festive season as i can't bear to. I'm not sure what it is that holds me back. My Mother has been the most insensitive woman in the last 2/3 weeks as she can't cope with my vulnerability at the moment so whenever i won't pen myself in anywhere she goes ballistic and bright red in the face. I just can't cope with the insincerity of it all.
I even took the day off so i could miss my office do, partly as i haven't been out for lunch with any of them in the last year, and secondly, why would i want to sit with my contemporaries that have taken the pis* out of me all year with their long lunches/sick days etc. just to watch them have another day when they're not lifting a finger..or, do i have the wrong work ethic? Should i be one of those people that turns up and just "does" what is put in front of them with no care, ensure i have exactly one hour for lunch and then leave exactly on time etc. but to me, my Father always taught me that you should love your work. In fact, he made this part of my wedding speech which i will always remember as so beautiful.
Perhaps next year i will feel more settled so i can approach this season again with more positivity. It could be that i just feel i can't cope at the moment, try and put a smile on your face and pretend to be this positive, independent woman.....yet inside, you're really chuffed with yourself for having even emerged from the bedroom and getting yourself to work as really, you just want to hide from the world, and even those individuals you love......bout of depression perhaps, but am sure i've brought it all on myself!
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