Escapism

I just want to escape. I hate feeling like I'm falling apart. I hate being on medication. I hate feeling like a nutter as i can't do everyday tasks easily anymore. But i do believe i'm over the darkest days, at least now i don't consider taking my own life. May sound rather dramatic but in fact when you are at your lowest, you even go ahead with an overdose for example as you at that point do not think about anyone you maybe hurting/would leave behind, you are just so incessantly sad, you can no longer think of another way to carry on in life.


You also have times through depression that you feel like a fake as you're ok for perhaps a few hours etc. and act as normal. These times for me are normally when i've talked myself in being in a situation such as with family members for example.

I see a therapist on a regular basis who has at least now managed to get me out of my flat! I didn't always want to leave the safety of being there and entering the scary world outside. We talk and work through different anxieties and i'm hoping that in the next 3 weeks he will help me greatly in getting me back to the office. My sleeping is still so terrible but i am trying to cope with this and with less anxiety about overcoming new fears of travel etc. I should be ok to get back to normal. Nothing is easy though so i must be careful how i strive forward. I worry that when i get back to work they will expect me to be as extrovert and able as i was before i became unwell.

I saw my Doctor again on Thursday and she certainly wasn't happy with me. I have 3 more weeks to get back on track, i must do it! My therapist believes the standards i have for myself are so high that there is no wonder i have difficulty in coping at the moment with not being able to do so much.

If i could make a wish it would be for me to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like new....no need to see Doctor/therapist on a regular basis etc. no doubling up pills etc. as they're not working well enough for me therefore there would be no more nasty side effects etc.