Bah Humbug!

What is it about Christmas that makes me so edgy?! I find it the most nauseating time of year....

Perhaps it's all the fake "let's have a Christmas drink/lunch" etc. when you don't do that with that person/those people throughout the year. What's it all about? Perhaps it's just my cynical side coming out but i do believe it's not normal behaviour...if you want to socialise with particular people surely you do this year round not just year end?!

I hate planning at this time of year too. I'm no good at it. It's not the pressie buying i have a problem with, it's the family stuff. I would normally be away for Christmas so not really having to worry about doing family events. My last Christmas with all my family was in 2004 before my Father passing away 6 months later.

I have had grunts from my brother as i will not confirm any arrangements over the festive season as i can't bear to. I'm not sure what it is that holds me back. My Mother has been the most insensitive woman in the last 2/3 weeks as she can't cope with my vulnerability at the moment so whenever i won't pen myself in anywhere she goes ballistic and bright red in the face. I just can't cope with the insincerity of it all.

I even took the day off so i could miss my office do, partly as i haven't been out for lunch with any of them in the last year, and secondly, why would i want to sit with my contemporaries that have taken the pis* out of me all year with their long lunches/sick days etc. just to watch them have another day when they're not lifting a finger..or, do i have the wrong work ethic? Should i be one of those people that turns up and just "does" what is put in front of them with no care, ensure i have exactly one hour for lunch and then leave exactly on time etc. but to me, my Father always taught me that you should love your work. In fact, he made this part of my wedding speech which i will always remember as so beautiful.

Perhaps next year i will feel more settled so i can approach this season again with more positivity. It could be that i just feel i can't cope at the moment, try and put a smile on your face and pretend to be this positive, independent woman.....yet inside, you're really chuffed with yourself for having even emerged from the bedroom and getting yourself to work as really, you just want to hide from the world, and even those individuals you love......bout of depression perhaps, but am sure i've brought it all on myself!

Another Rant!

I can't help myself but i get so damn angry that i need to have a quick rant so i no longer feel i have an ulcer...

I had Friday off work and today i was asked by the most lazy person in the office "did you have a nice day off"...to which i replied "it was ok, i just needed a day to get things done that i can't always do over a weekend".....this is what was going through my head that i wanted to reply: -

"yes thanks.....but unlike you who just takes the pi** and has days off as and when, pretending to be sick mostly, or maybe having to "pick up your car" (as that can't be done on a Saturday, and so why take the day off genuinely as "annual leave" - likely...), or who has visited about 10 different restaurants this year giving you food poisoning, mmmm, another likely.....i actually act as an adult and don't take the mick out of my contemporaries and take the day off as "holiday"!!!! I also at this point wanted to bring up the fact that when this individual has also stated she's on annual leave, on numerous occasions these days haven't even been signed off, the days that have been taken to see a "consultant", the days that they may even be in the office where approximately 2 a week are only a few hours present as the others are spent long lunching/shopping/internet shopping or time spent at the hairdressers!

But hey, you can't pick your work colleagues can you!! And you also can't bring these things up in the work place as you'd be seen as being "immature" etc.

Run Down

Ever feel like you've been driven over by a bus you feel so run down? Not sure what's occurred but since last Thursday/Friday, I have felt like my bones are red raw with aches and pains, my neck is stiff and sore and I can't sleep properly! Not sure what the reason is, perhaps just a little bit of everything.

I thought i would have the weekend to get a grip and relax to make it all better but still couldn't sleep and didn't eat from Friday night until today at lunchtime and now i feel quite sick having done so. Strange how your body reacts perhaps quicker than your mind.

Admittedly, Friday was a bad day...one of those days when you just wake up and feel really dark. I've felt like i've been grieving all over again. I can't shake it off yet i really want to.

I took my Mother's dog out on Saturday for a long country walk thinking that may help. Both the dog and i got covered in mud and really enjoyed the fresh air, yet when i dropped her back at my Mother's house, the sadness overwhelmed me again. I had taken her to one of my favourite places, an area in the woods near to my Sister, which we call the "fairy glade". I used to go there all of the time in between hospital visits when my Father was unwell so thought it would be cathartic and do me some good. I managed to let out some tears so that must be good rather than letting my feelings bottle up as usual.

But still, it's Monday now and should be feeling good again. I had a quiet weekend and as i couldn't cope with food i tried to intice myself yesterday by spending a couple of hours in the kitchen making a lovely beef casserole. Although i enjoyed the smell throughout the flat, it wasn't enough to make me eat! Oh well, losing a few pounds is no bad thing i guess. Plus, if i am hungry later, at least i have some homemade food rather than a microwave meal!

Hate to be so morbid, but hopefully the mood will change to one that is far more positive - still wish i could be hiding from the world, but can't not turn up in the office just because i feel rubbish!

Painful Memories

I can't believe it, one of the most lovely men i've ever met and been fortunate to get to know in my working life is in intensive care! This man is one of such stature and cherished by so many. He has such a close knit and loving family and i'm sure many a good friend. Why is it that the greatest and kindest of beings are those that are put under a spell of misfortune when illness is concerned?!

As soon as i heard last week that he was unwell, the personal pains from when my Father was in hospital struck me. However, this afternoon when an internal email came round the office it was there in writing that this great man was in intensive care and that's when my heart exploded with outrage and tears started welling up. This was now the time to move swiftly away from my desk so nobody could see how upset i was.

Ridiculously enough, i took myself out of the office for a cigarette - nothing healthy in that i know, but the grief that hit me, even though i am positive he is strong enough to pull through, i just needed to escape and have those precious 5 minutes alone to pull myself together.

If you've read my earlier blogs you will know how much the death of my Father hit my world. I don't mean to sound so negative as i would like to think that Frank will be a great survivor of this most awful episode, but unfortunately there are moments when you can be hit both with dread and hopefulness!

The pains of the family will be so intense that they would not at this time be able to describe. The hope, the dreams, the love will be so electric for them at the moment and i hope that these come through and give this loving man the strength he needs to come out of this and get well again.

I will pray for Frank and his family with hope good news will follow about his health.

The moments i have when i think of when my darling Daddy was in pain in hospital flood back and no doubt will continue to do so forever. One tries so hard to take these painful memories away but nature has its way of bringing them back to you when you least expect them. The love i still share for him is great, and i am always talking about what a great man he was.

Life is so unfair, but it makes me want to believe there is so much hope for Frank's recovery. He is in my thoughts.....

Going Girly...

Wow, what in the name of God has got into me lately? I've been shopping twice in the last two weeks, both lunch hours and come back each time with a new dress?

Not being funny, but if you knew me, you'd think i needed medical help! I don't wear dresses! I don't really do girly in fairness but obvioulsy one night when i've been sleeping, i've been hit over the head with a hard rock or something?

I also think I am becoming more aware of other women when i'm out and about and notice how much more effort they make to keep slim and dress well. They always used to intimidate me but i've come to the conclusion that i should really now benefit from this new insight and start taking more care of myself. Ok, i'm not suddenly going to walking into the office all dressed up, that would be a little too mad even for me, black trousers will remain!

But today, having had a couple of days where i haven't been feeling very well, i felt i deserved a treat, although in a couple of days time i will regret it no doubt. I went out and bought not only a beautiful velvet black dress, but some gorgeous boots and a little black bag!

I am out tonight at a soul and motown do with friends. I haven't been for a boogy in so long that i really wanted to dress up for a change so i can thoroughly enjoy it and feel dressed up enough not to be looking at others and feeling that envy you can when they always look so lovely.

Or perhaps it's another way of escaping from everyday worries and anxieties....who knows...but hopefully at least for one night i'll feel like a princess.

Spontaneity

How fun to allow yourself to act spontaneously!

The Bank Holiday weekend turned out to be such a happy time and it all stemmed from having no plans whatsoever! I spent Friday night realxing and enjoying a bottle of red indoors alone which was great as so tired after a busy week.

Saturday then turned out to be such a beautiful sunny day. My sister came to visit me and have a catch up as we hadn't seen each other all week, and dragged me food shopping as the cupboards were bare so to speak. We then went to a bbq together where everyone was so happy and chatty that the time flew by. There were lots of old faces to catch up with and the day ended well. Having stuffed myself with bbq food, I then went and ate more later on in a fabulous Chinese restaurant which i've discovered in Ipswich with a friend.

Sunday was spent again at a bbq, new people i had only met on the Saturday. So, all becoming more sociable etc. since my move back to Suffolk. The day again was very relaxing.

Monday was spent by the seaside, a proper walk to blow away any cobwebs followed by a few bevies in the sunshine.

So really I've learnt it's not essential to make plans in advance but to see how life takes you from time to time. The most relxed I've felt in weeks.......

Fraud

You go to the cashpoint and try to withdraw money knowing you have some in your account. The bank will not supply you with any so you try a different cashpoint in hope that it's just empty of cash for whatever reason.....it happens again! You then try and top up your phone which you do on a regular basis with your debit card and the top up is not accepted for whatever purposes. This is when you just want to scream.......... you don't have any food in the flat, your train ticket needs renewing the next day and there are other purchases that are necessary to make.

You call the bank who pretty much promise that they will call you back after speaking to another department and they never do! So the following day you call again, get put on hold for a further 15/20 minutes and then relay the whole sorry story. Then, you are put on hold for a further 10/15 minutes whilst they transfer you to the fraud department. You are then told that someone has hacked into your account and has been trying to make payments to Curry's, Oxfam and other weird and wonderful places....."oh" you say, so you've cancelled my card due to thinking there are some fraudulent payments trying to be made and you're not going to call the customer to tell them!!! Obviously not, you just have to work this one out for yourself as though you are psychic!!!!

You are advised to take some ID along to your local branch where they will offer you some cash whilst your new card is being posted out (which really will take about a week!). You show an assortment of ID but these are not accepted due to the fact that some are in one address, others are in another, some are Miss and some are Mrs - "it really is me" you want to shout down their earhole but me thinks, not a good idea!

So, £1.45 in your purse, no food, need for train ticket etc. what can you do? You have to beg someone for a loan which in itself is one of the most depressing things you have to do!

Life is a complete pile of sh** sometimes, and without balling my eyes out again about this scenario, I am just going to picture in my head the things i would do to the person/people that have ruined my day so badly - they would certainly not survive if I ever were to meet them!! Bring it on...............

Commuting

Commuting to and from Ipswich & Mayfair has now become a new sport for me!

Each day, I am enjoying my train ride more and more. There are such characters each and every day that get on and off the train. This morning for example, there was a dear old lady with violin strapped to her back, a suitcase and bulky handbag - the gentleman she chose to sit next to then tried to help her with all her baggage. I then heard her comment to him "gosh, i haven't had a young strapping man bent down on his knees in front of me in years"....well, you can imagine, I was nearly in streams of tears, from what should have come over as such an innocent comment, I obviously misconstrued just to cheer my journey up!

Then there are the "accents"....oh, and these are the "farmer boys" that get on at Norwich. There is nothing wrong in having an accent, and how dull life would be if we all spoke in the same way, but this accent just makes me die. These men are suited and booted and having what should sound intelligent telephone conversations with clients/colleagues, yet their accent just changes the overall effect......

Then there are the families getting excited as they are off to the big smoke for a day out! I only get to see these if i am on a later train....they have so many bags just for one day. They just take over the whole carriage with their screams of delight when the train departs Ipswich. It's fun and it makes you remember how lovely it must feel to be a youngster with no worries but just excitement in going to explore a different place.

Then there's the game you play trying to guess what everyone does for a living.....a game that used to get my husband in hysterics when we were on holiday! Mmmm, he's definitely an architect!

So, in trying to change what could be a most boring ordeal each day travelling, I have managed to turn it round and make it entertaining, even if it is that little bit sad and yes, definitely for my own selfish humour!

A Mother's Hug

Since having moved back to Suffolk I am experiencing a rather strange relationship change with my Mother!

This is almost the third time it has happened in the last couple of years since my Father died. At first it was whilst my Father was in hospital and my Mother said to me one day, after I used to pop into the family home to do the odd job, "gosh, you really are lovely".....and to most, that may not be so strange, but to me, that was the first nice thing my Mother had said to me in years. Perhaps then she knew that our relationship needed to actually become a "relationship" as it was becoming more obvious as each day passed that my Father was very ill and going to pass away.

The second time this occurred was when my Mother realised that actually for whatever reason, I never brought up how bad a Mother she had been whilst my siblings and I were growing up, or say anything derogatory to her, this all when my Father had died, and she saw me as someone that she could rely upon. I would rush back to Suffolk to ensure all was ok and that she had someone to help with what even at times may seem small jobs....I was then seen in a new light as far as my Mother was concerned, I was now a convenience for her!

However, this third change is the most alarming! Last week, my Mother picked me up from her local train station in Manningtree on my return from work.....took me to her house, fed me supper and drove me to my flat where we enjoyed a coffee together. My Mother had also not seen my new residence until now. We sat side by side on the settee and from nowhere she moved closer towards me and put her arm round me and stroked the top of my arm! Rather than actually being drawn in, i was in a total mix of emotions, in one sense i wanted to let go and have a good cry about so many things, in another i was in shock from this maternal instinct and the other was just so bewildered by the whole experience i felt rather numb!

However, now I look back, i am absolutely thrilled by the whole experience. My Mother really can be a "Mummy" when she wants to be! I should have sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the gesture more....let's see if this ever happens again......

Answers..

Ever spent a day questioning yourself about the situation you have put yourself in?

I spent yesterday in my new flat unpacking a few personal bits and pieces to try to make it look and feel more like a "home" rather than a place to lay my head at the end of the day. I was overcome by the questions popping up in my head whilst i was trying to have a settling day cleaning and unpacking.

Why am I living like this alone? Why did I choose to leave my husband? What is it in life I need to change to feel happy? Why have I been given all of the wedding photos? Doesn't my husband ever want to look at these ever again? Does he just want to forget he was ever with me? Will he always hate me this much? Will my family always be there for me? Will the friends I made in Kent keep in touch with me now I'm not in the area? Do some friends find it difficult to be there for me now if they feel divided between myself and my husband? Are they true friends or will they just count me out of their lives once they move on as it's easier to do so? Will anyone ever make that extra step to come to me in Suffolk or will the friendships just continue if I go back to Kent? Have I made a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life?!

These are just a few....so you can imagine why I couldn't sleep again last night!

Strange World

I feel like I'm living in it. I am surrounded by people that would never understand or appreciate what is actually happening in my mind. I'm sure they all think that I'm just getting on with life without any emotion or feeling. Why is it that in general, whether it be friends/work colleagues/strangers never find it within themselves to ask if I am ok? Is it because it was ultimately my decision to instigate the separation of myself and my husband? If this is the reason, I can only assume that they think I must be ok and just getting on with life.

Don't get me wrong, I would hate to have anyone asking "are you ok" all the time, but it would actually be quite nice sometimes to have a conversation about how I feel about the whole experience.

I can't express how ill at ease I feel inside regarding leaving my husband. I have lost my best friend, the comfort of confiding in just one person about anything from silly accidents during the day to the strong emotional pulls of life. Not being able to hold, hug, talk to or kiss someone you love so much is sensationally sad and can make you teary just thinking about it. But as i've said previously, it was my decision so ultimately it is unfair to expect any of these things to happen again. I'd like to hope that in the future we will still share a tight bond from the 61/2 years we were together. We shared so many experiences, laughs, love and friendship together, i can't carry on without the hope this will be the case.

Moving on..

Life has changed dramatically over the last couple of weeks in hope that i may start building a new life for myself. This will sound particularly selfish and indeed it really is.

I have moved away from my marital home in hope that i can search for a new beginning in my life which will create a happiness and fill a whole in my soul that is missing. Along the way, i have caused a great deal of pain which i can only ever feel inside without being able to make anyone else feel any better, i will always have the guilt of hurting others. I will always be sorry to have upset someone so close to me but will also always hope that in the long term this special person will find an overwhelming happiness after rebuilding his life/world.

I had a week away from the office so i could focus on my new life. I managed to do my usual "head strong", "get on with it", "on a mission" usual where i wasn't going to leave town last Monday without finding a new place to live. So my search began, and this is when i started to feel so alone!

Of course i came across totally confident to the individuals i met along the way as i don't know any other way of expressing myself to strangers, but really inside i felt rather exasperated as though if anyone should hold me, i would have felt like collapsing in tears in recognition of the fact that i had made the gigantic step to new depths of my life.

I have found a new place to live in which i would hope to be able to call home in the future. I have further to travel to and from work but i know i can get by and keep the motivation there to carry on, as i need to remember it's only me i can blame if i am not happy in my new world. I instigated the whole change, therefore it is down to me to make it the right one!

Far Away..

I spent Sunday with my Sister and friends in Suffolk. It was my big Sister's birthday and to celebrate we went and enjoyed a long lunch in the Moon and Mushroom pub out in the countryside followed by a few bevies in my Sister's local in Bramford. It was a perfect day and the sun was kind enough to come out in the afternoon.

I took Monday off work so I could stay overnight on Sunday not having to rush back.

But when I arrived home, although happy to be back and to see my hubby, I am still feeling a little numb from being away from the area that I know so well and feel so comfortable in. I love Suffolk and I always will, but it isn't just the people I know that I miss or the areas I recognise, it's the whole feeling of being there. You can go into a shop and get a big hello or just simply walk down the road and a stranger will smile and you don't feel that there is anything wrong in this, it is pure kindness and that is it. You don't have to read into any of this in more detail, people are generally different and just happy to see you.

I think aswell my Sister Catherine and friends in Suffolk have totally different working & social worlds from me. I take out 12 hours a day just to go to work, so don't have the time to be able to have a pet/pop to Sainsbury's/go to the gym etc. during the day or quickly after work....for me, I can't even think of doing anything until i arrive home at about 7.15pm on an average day and by then feel too shattered to have the motivation!

Perhaps I feel ready to change my whole lifestyle, but it's never as easy when you put into practice. How guilty would I feel if I worked nearer to home and my husband was still to trudge into London each day!?! The household income would shrink dramatically although the bills wouldn't! I cannot rely on my husband to sort out all the financial bills etc. Although I can see myself with a puppy, a couple more hobbies etc. I cannot see how I would be happy with not only sending my husband into London each day so I could enjoy a job close to home, but also, most of my friends would be at work anyway so I wouldn't even get to see them. Plus the community is different from Suffolk, it's not that I would necessarily get the buzz of standing and chatting to those near to home during a working week, they're all too busy in their worlds.

Perhaps I just need to have a shake up in my head and get back to motivating myself to carry on as normal!

Summer

Summer is such a wonderful happy season! I can venture into our garden each day and see so many beautiful changes. One of my clematis is now opening up and looking so pretty and as each day passes another flower unravels its beauty.

I believe the summer months make the majority of people more "human". You tend to hear much more laughter and see many more smiles. I for one certainly am happier when I open my eyes in the morning to see rays of sunshine squeezing themselves through the curtains. Mind you, by looking outside today, I am surprised I'm writing about summer considering it is looking so British - somewhat drizzly yet some patches of lovely blue sky.

Perhaps it's psychological that we all seem so much more sprightly when the sun comes out. It's not that our lives have necessarily got any happier? I just think, the simple things in life like slipping on flip flops and a summer dress just make you feel so much more liberated.

I'm not one to be too sad in the winter as I do love the fresh frosty mornings when you wrap yourself up in the wooliest of jumpers and put your wellies on, but i must say that last Christmas I so enjoyed my trip to Thailand with my hubby and friends.

The feeling of sand between your toes is so soothing and listening to the waves lapping up on the beach. Sheer heaven!

Let's all dream of leaving the daily routine and lazing on a hot sunny island away from the rat race!

Work Rant

So, you take 3 hours out of your day to travel to and from the office and what does that achieve? Well, you'd like to think that your time consuming travel has been worthwhile and it has been noted by your employers and other employees that you are a diligent and focused individual!

My hubby constantly nags me to take it easy, to stop getting so stressed out and to take deep breaths when it comes to work related issues, but can I? No, is the answer! My work mentality is to do the best job I can whilst I am in the office. So, when I have afternoons like last Friday in the office, I then feel the need to shout out...but I can't/don't/won't through fear/cowardness!

Last week had been a particularly busy one and from my point of view a very productive one also. By the time Friday came along, I could feel the tightness in my stomach start to ease with the thought that there was only one working day left and I would then have the weekend to spend with my darling Danny and friends. However, a Director came back after a rather long lunch, boozy I cannot be sure, and had the right hump with life so who did he take this out on? Me of course as I was the only one around. How does anyone cope with being torn to shreds in the office without making a fuss? I should really know by now as it's not the first time and definitely not the last time that I have been slaughtered/shouted at?!

I just like to lead a professional dignified working life, so when I experience days like that for example, it makes me wonder what the point is in taking so much time out of my day/week/month/year. Oh yes, how easy to try and forget, it's to pay the mortgage, bills, holidays and the fun things in life!

I guess I wouldn't take these sort of work days so much to heart if I was an employee who took the pi** with long lunches, fake doctors appointments, late arrivals in the morning and early departures at the end of the day like a few others in the office, but I do as I genuinely try my hardest to make everyone elses lives easier each day in being efficient! No, I'm no model employee I'm sure....yes, I do take the odd fag break, and yes, make the odd personal call...but in fairness, I know a couple of working lunch hours takes care of this time!

Anyway, rant being over, am guessing should get back to the drawings board so to speak.....

June

The month of June is a strange one for me. There are times to celebrate but there are also times of rememberance as my gorgeous Daddy died only 2 years ago this month. 3 years ago I married the most wonderful man and my Father was there to celebrate with us which is such a happy memory. So, this is my celebration of the month, my wedding anniversary on 18 June. However, this is not only 6 days after the anniversary of my Father's death, but also one day after Father's Day. So, it's a bizarre emotional time.

I feel a lot healthier this year in comparison to this time last year which has to be a bonus. I can therefore try to be a lot stronger. In this I also mean that I am no longer as scared as I was about showing my feelings. My husband can vouch for this as I can now cry in outbursts when feeling low without feeling the need to feel ashamed. He really is my confidante.

I have also built up a new set of friends near my home which has helped in so many ways. My husband and I moved to the area in Kent 3 years ago of which out of the two of us, it was my husband that knew the area and had friends from previous years. I am so grateful to have been accepted by so many people, and I believe they have given me the extra confidence to move on with my life without feeling guilty when I enjoy myself and share in laughter - a large fault of mine after losing my Dad was that I felt so bad if I found that I was enjoying myself.

I may have a wobbly day in the next couple of weeks, but I am determined to fight it through and try my hardest only to have happy memories of my Daddy as I know deep down he would not like me to be unhappy. It's the flashbacks I find so hard to fight; they arrive in my mind when most unwelcomed, whether at work in front of my PC or even as strangely as in the bath! These are those poignant memories of the last few days my Father was alive in hospital suffering far too much from his brain tumour.

I will always miss my Daddy, like so many others in this world miss their loved ones once they have left us. I cherish my husband for taking such good care of me, even when I am a nag or a miserable oaf!

But, I also thank my fabulous friends who have given me so much happiness and good spirit to carry on in the world with determination to keep smiling and looking forward.