Long Time!!!

Well it's been so long since i was on a pc that i've nearly forgotten how to type!

I really want to write as I need to prove that i am feeling so much more capable on an everyday basis than i was and i am so happy about it! I really think that having seen a therapist has saved my life. So my advice would be that if you are a stubborn character like myself that would normally try and cope on their own, then think again, the longer you leave it the worst it will get. Take a deep breath and swallow your pride! You will feel so much better for it!

Mind you, I seem to have spent most of my time in therapy discussing work matters - it's cost me a fortune! However, i'm really starting to appreciate that I used to be so obsessed by it! I'm under so much stress which admittedly I put upon myself to get back to my normal life of work. I have been off pretty much since Christmas and i feel ashamed by that. I know i shouldn't but it's the fact i have such high expectations of myself that i can't always let myself go! I just feel that i have let myself and my company down recently. But, i will be going into London on Wednesday for a meeting as my Doctor and therapist have really gone down on me with a tonne of bricks to get a phased work plan sorted out. Apparently i should be negotiating a three day week to start with, along with shorter hours so i miss the rush hour where i think i should just be getting back to normal! But, in shock to myself even, so far i have been doing everything by the book and following all my doctor's instructions. I know i have a major expectation of myself but i also have become more realistic that i need to take it slow so i manage to get back to my normal everyday life without any relapses. I just hope my bosses can understand this and give me that extra time. I love my job and i would do anything not to jeopardise it!

Apart from all the bore of ups and downs, feeling suicidal at times, the whole depression, today i have had a fulfilling time. I spent Easter Day with my family and it meant the world to me. We shared laughter and our news with one another and when i was given a lift home by my brother i entered my flat feeling whole rather than at times rather lost and lonely. I am so grateful i have the family i do.

I don't always feel i have the friends that i need at the moment but then hey, a lot of people find it particularly difficult to deal with someone that isn't quite themselves. People are so used to me being confident, extrovert and fun that perhaps when i am more needy, less secure etc it is difficult - i understand this and will not lose friendships in the long term about it.

It's a huge shame that my friends from afar are not in contact very often. In fact, it would seem my life in 7oaks for example didn't exist! There are a couple of people that write the odd text but it's not really the same as a letter etc. but again i know life goes on and if you're not necessarily around you're not present to jolt your friends in remembering your existence!

I hope the next time i manage to get on the pc i can be a lot more positive and have happier thoughts. But am getting there which i hope to be proving!

A couple of awful dates went into one last week which caused a great deal of distress, my divorce was finalised and it would have been my Father's birthday. I ended up on a huge bender which admittedly led me to another overdose 2 days later due to guilt. I realise now that my Father would be distraught if I did something ridiculous like give myself up to the unchristian job of comitting suicide and i would not wish to upset my family and friends. I am on a learning curve on making myself think in different ways and be more realistic about things. Fingers crossed this will not be occuring again!