Ever spent a day questioning yourself about the situation you have put yourself in?
I spent yesterday in my new flat unpacking a few personal bits and pieces to try to make it look and feel more like a "home" rather than a place to lay my head at the end of the day. I was overcome by the questions popping up in my head whilst i was trying to have a settling day cleaning and unpacking.
Why am I living like this alone? Why did I choose to leave my husband? What is it in life I need to change to feel happy? Why have I been given all of the wedding photos? Doesn't my husband ever want to look at these ever again? Does he just want to forget he was ever with me? Will he always hate me this much? Will my family always be there for me? Will the friends I made in Kent keep in touch with me now I'm not in the area? Do some friends find it difficult to be there for me now if they feel divided between myself and my husband? Are they true friends or will they just count me out of their lives once they move on as it's easier to do so? Will anyone ever make that extra step to come to me in Suffolk or will the friendships just continue if I go back to Kent? Have I made a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life?!
These are just a few....so you can imagine why I couldn't sleep again last night!
Monday 30 July 2007
Friday 27 July 2007
Strange World
I feel like I'm living in it. I am surrounded by people that would never understand or appreciate what is actually happening in my mind. I'm sure they all think that I'm just getting on with life without any emotion or feeling. Why is it that in general, whether it be friends/work colleagues/strangers never find it within themselves to ask if I am ok? Is it because it was ultimately my decision to instigate the separation of myself and my husband? If this is the reason, I can only assume that they think I must be ok and just getting on with life.
Don't get me wrong, I would hate to have anyone asking "are you ok" all the time, but it would actually be quite nice sometimes to have a conversation about how I feel about the whole experience.
I can't express how ill at ease I feel inside regarding leaving my husband. I have lost my best friend, the comfort of confiding in just one person about anything from silly accidents during the day to the strong emotional pulls of life. Not being able to hold, hug, talk to or kiss someone you love so much is sensationally sad and can make you teary just thinking about it. But as i've said previously, it was my decision so ultimately it is unfair to expect any of these things to happen again. I'd like to hope that in the future we will still share a tight bond from the 61/2 years we were together. We shared so many experiences, laughs, love and friendship together, i can't carry on without the hope this will be the case.
Don't get me wrong, I would hate to have anyone asking "are you ok" all the time, but it would actually be quite nice sometimes to have a conversation about how I feel about the whole experience.
I can't express how ill at ease I feel inside regarding leaving my husband. I have lost my best friend, the comfort of confiding in just one person about anything from silly accidents during the day to the strong emotional pulls of life. Not being able to hold, hug, talk to or kiss someone you love so much is sensationally sad and can make you teary just thinking about it. But as i've said previously, it was my decision so ultimately it is unfair to expect any of these things to happen again. I'd like to hope that in the future we will still share a tight bond from the 61/2 years we were together. We shared so many experiences, laughs, love and friendship together, i can't carry on without the hope this will be the case.
Monday 23 July 2007
Moving on..
Life has changed dramatically over the last couple of weeks in hope that i may start building a new life for myself. This will sound particularly selfish and indeed it really is.
I have moved away from my marital home in hope that i can search for a new beginning in my life which will create a happiness and fill a whole in my soul that is missing. Along the way, i have caused a great deal of pain which i can only ever feel inside without being able to make anyone else feel any better, i will always have the guilt of hurting others. I will always be sorry to have upset someone so close to me but will also always hope that in the long term this special person will find an overwhelming happiness after rebuilding his life/world.
I had a week away from the office so i could focus on my new life. I managed to do my usual "head strong", "get on with it", "on a mission" usual where i wasn't going to leave town last Monday without finding a new place to live. So my search began, and this is when i started to feel so alone!
Of course i came across totally confident to the individuals i met along the way as i don't know any other way of expressing myself to strangers, but really inside i felt rather exasperated as though if anyone should hold me, i would have felt like collapsing in tears in recognition of the fact that i had made the gigantic step to new depths of my life.
I have found a new place to live in which i would hope to be able to call home in the future. I have further to travel to and from work but i know i can get by and keep the motivation there to carry on, as i need to remember it's only me i can blame if i am not happy in my new world. I instigated the whole change, therefore it is down to me to make it the right one!
I have moved away from my marital home in hope that i can search for a new beginning in my life which will create a happiness and fill a whole in my soul that is missing. Along the way, i have caused a great deal of pain which i can only ever feel inside without being able to make anyone else feel any better, i will always have the guilt of hurting others. I will always be sorry to have upset someone so close to me but will also always hope that in the long term this special person will find an overwhelming happiness after rebuilding his life/world.
I had a week away from the office so i could focus on my new life. I managed to do my usual "head strong", "get on with it", "on a mission" usual where i wasn't going to leave town last Monday without finding a new place to live. So my search began, and this is when i started to feel so alone!
Of course i came across totally confident to the individuals i met along the way as i don't know any other way of expressing myself to strangers, but really inside i felt rather exasperated as though if anyone should hold me, i would have felt like collapsing in tears in recognition of the fact that i had made the gigantic step to new depths of my life.
I have found a new place to live in which i would hope to be able to call home in the future. I have further to travel to and from work but i know i can get by and keep the motivation there to carry on, as i need to remember it's only me i can blame if i am not happy in my new world. I instigated the whole change, therefore it is down to me to make it the right one!
Wednesday 4 July 2007
Far Away..
I spent Sunday with my Sister and friends in Suffolk. It was my big Sister's birthday and to celebrate we went and enjoyed a long lunch in the Moon and Mushroom pub out in the countryside followed by a few bevies in my Sister's local in Bramford. It was a perfect day and the sun was kind enough to come out in the afternoon.
I took Monday off work so I could stay overnight on Sunday not having to rush back.
But when I arrived home, although happy to be back and to see my hubby, I am still feeling a little numb from being away from the area that I know so well and feel so comfortable in. I love Suffolk and I always will, but it isn't just the people I know that I miss or the areas I recognise, it's the whole feeling of being there. You can go into a shop and get a big hello or just simply walk down the road and a stranger will smile and you don't feel that there is anything wrong in this, it is pure kindness and that is it. You don't have to read into any of this in more detail, people are generally different and just happy to see you.
I think aswell my Sister Catherine and friends in Suffolk have totally different working & social worlds from me. I take out 12 hours a day just to go to work, so don't have the time to be able to have a pet/pop to Sainsbury's/go to the gym etc. during the day or quickly after work....for me, I can't even think of doing anything until i arrive home at about 7.15pm on an average day and by then feel too shattered to have the motivation!
Perhaps I feel ready to change my whole lifestyle, but it's never as easy when you put into practice. How guilty would I feel if I worked nearer to home and my husband was still to trudge into London each day!?! The household income would shrink dramatically although the bills wouldn't! I cannot rely on my husband to sort out all the financial bills etc. Although I can see myself with a puppy, a couple more hobbies etc. I cannot see how I would be happy with not only sending my husband into London each day so I could enjoy a job close to home, but also, most of my friends would be at work anyway so I wouldn't even get to see them. Plus the community is different from Suffolk, it's not that I would necessarily get the buzz of standing and chatting to those near to home during a working week, they're all too busy in their worlds.
Perhaps I just need to have a shake up in my head and get back to motivating myself to carry on as normal!
I took Monday off work so I could stay overnight on Sunday not having to rush back.
But when I arrived home, although happy to be back and to see my hubby, I am still feeling a little numb from being away from the area that I know so well and feel so comfortable in. I love Suffolk and I always will, but it isn't just the people I know that I miss or the areas I recognise, it's the whole feeling of being there. You can go into a shop and get a big hello or just simply walk down the road and a stranger will smile and you don't feel that there is anything wrong in this, it is pure kindness and that is it. You don't have to read into any of this in more detail, people are generally different and just happy to see you.
I think aswell my Sister Catherine and friends in Suffolk have totally different working & social worlds from me. I take out 12 hours a day just to go to work, so don't have the time to be able to have a pet/pop to Sainsbury's/go to the gym etc. during the day or quickly after work....for me, I can't even think of doing anything until i arrive home at about 7.15pm on an average day and by then feel too shattered to have the motivation!
Perhaps I feel ready to change my whole lifestyle, but it's never as easy when you put into practice. How guilty would I feel if I worked nearer to home and my husband was still to trudge into London each day!?! The household income would shrink dramatically although the bills wouldn't! I cannot rely on my husband to sort out all the financial bills etc. Although I can see myself with a puppy, a couple more hobbies etc. I cannot see how I would be happy with not only sending my husband into London each day so I could enjoy a job close to home, but also, most of my friends would be at work anyway so I wouldn't even get to see them. Plus the community is different from Suffolk, it's not that I would necessarily get the buzz of standing and chatting to those near to home during a working week, they're all too busy in their worlds.
Perhaps I just need to have a shake up in my head and get back to motivating myself to carry on as normal!
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