Bah Humbug!

What is it about Christmas that makes me so edgy?! I find it the most nauseating time of year....

Perhaps it's all the fake "let's have a Christmas drink/lunch" etc. when you don't do that with that person/those people throughout the year. What's it all about? Perhaps it's just my cynical side coming out but i do believe it's not normal behaviour...if you want to socialise with particular people surely you do this year round not just year end?!

I hate planning at this time of year too. I'm no good at it. It's not the pressie buying i have a problem with, it's the family stuff. I would normally be away for Christmas so not really having to worry about doing family events. My last Christmas with all my family was in 2004 before my Father passing away 6 months later.

I have had grunts from my brother as i will not confirm any arrangements over the festive season as i can't bear to. I'm not sure what it is that holds me back. My Mother has been the most insensitive woman in the last 2/3 weeks as she can't cope with my vulnerability at the moment so whenever i won't pen myself in anywhere she goes ballistic and bright red in the face. I just can't cope with the insincerity of it all.

I even took the day off so i could miss my office do, partly as i haven't been out for lunch with any of them in the last year, and secondly, why would i want to sit with my contemporaries that have taken the pis* out of me all year with their long lunches/sick days etc. just to watch them have another day when they're not lifting a finger..or, do i have the wrong work ethic? Should i be one of those people that turns up and just "does" what is put in front of them with no care, ensure i have exactly one hour for lunch and then leave exactly on time etc. but to me, my Father always taught me that you should love your work. In fact, he made this part of my wedding speech which i will always remember as so beautiful.

Perhaps next year i will feel more settled so i can approach this season again with more positivity. It could be that i just feel i can't cope at the moment, try and put a smile on your face and pretend to be this positive, independent woman.....yet inside, you're really chuffed with yourself for having even emerged from the bedroom and getting yourself to work as really, you just want to hide from the world, and even those individuals you love......bout of depression perhaps, but am sure i've brought it all on myself!