Looking back on 2008 so far is actually quite scary. Considering i lost the majority of January & February to depression and not really facing the world, it has still taken me another 2 months to get back to a part time role in my office. I can't even cope with that particularly well!
It's so hard to try and be brave. The journey into the office is daunting enough. Considering i wouldn't go anywhere on my own not so long ago, i now have to face a 2 hour journey to and from the office going on the tube & train! So, when i got here today i was very proud. But, since being here, i do have the secret urge to go back home and hide where i feel safe.
I visited the Doctor twice last week - i had managed to pick up another viral infection, one very similar to that at Christmas and now am suffering from a kidney infection. So, again, lots of tablets to be taken and again waiting for more results. Doc did say my immune system is rather battered so expect to pick up on all sorts. I also think the additional stress i put on myself, particularly regarding work, does not help in me relaxing and resting as advised.
I really hope and dream that by the end of this year i am able to look back and at least have achieved something! Even if it's having learnt how to deal with my depression in a more constructive manner.
I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow as didn't see him all of last week. I was going to wean myself off from meeting with him as the last time we met, i was so disagreeable - i just found it really tough going. Perhaps i'll see what he says tomorrow as to how often i see him again. Or perhaps the real reason I'm not up for seeing him as often is the fact that it's got so intense and i'm having to be truly honest with my feelings/emotions.
I'd also like to think that by the end of this year i will have discovered true friends. I certainly know whose been there for me in the last few months and who still sticks by me, even through the darkest of moments. I have had the odd letter which really cheers me up, one of which from one of my Father's oldest friends. Strange when you're not in control and unwell - you really find out who loves you.
1 comment:
Lizzie, just by you saying "Or perhaps the real reason I'm not up for seeing him as often is the fact that it's got so intense and i'm having to be truly honest with my feelings/emotions" is a huge step forwards. Don't give up on your therapy just yet, just because it gets uncomfortable. Once you've conquered this life will be a lot easier.
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