Unfamiliar Territory

Strange really when you're so used to having such a work obsessive side to you that actually when things change they affect you so much.

I have been back to work part time since being unwell and the whole working environment feels so different! I sit apart from my team, although as someone has left recently i may be changing this. I also am not given even an 1/8 of the work i had before and probably a lot less than that.

From a company point of view I'm sure they think it will make me less stressed if they ease me in very gently, but there's gently and just plain nothingness! I sit there at my new desk feeling as though i have been made redundant but not having been told. There is a lovely temp who has been covering for me but again because she has been there some time, she has learnt how each of my colleagues work and the different systems that are in place, hence making me more unnecessary.

However, I know i have not got the same concentration levels and find the journey in just as harrowing as i do being in the office, so i can sort of understand what they are doing. But there's another part of me that wonders.....are they hoping i resign as i'm certainly not on top form as i used to be...or are they worried now about having no HR department and having made constant mistakes throughout my illness that they are trying to cover themselves.

Well, as far as i'm concerned, i think it would make business sense to pay me off and employ someone that is new, rather than me who has been there near to 6 years, and pay less once the temp has left? But then i know i would be so sad to leave a job i used to be so good at. It's not a simple win win situation!

It's just sad really as i am the first to admit that i am slightly defeated at the moment as if i had gone back into my work place and been given the numerous tasks that i used to be given, i just don't think i could cope. I just find it so strange that your brain/body/well being can make such a difference. Work to me is so important so i can't stand this limbo lark. But then again I can't stand the fact I have lost so much confidence etc. since Christmas when i can only describe quickly as losing the plot and gaining help for it!

It also doesn't help at the moment that my drugs have been changed. You unfortunately have to go through the numerous side effects all over again. Doc has put me on over double the dose and these are new tablets so yes there are times when i know i can quite easily just be in a trance. I am so much better keeping myself in company as at least i can follow conversation etc. and the friends that i have and are dear to me, know exactly where i am now and are so good at making me feel better about myself that it makes it all feel easier.

I am not back at work until Monday so at least I have a couple of days where i can catch up on some sleep, hope to relax etc. before going back to the grind on Monday. Wish it was that simple Monday feeling but it never is. It's the fact that you get so wound up and can't cope with it all that makes it so much harder.

But hey, still in constant appointments with the Doc and the quack so should be ok! And then there are the friends and family members that keep you in check, and without them, I could quite easily fall into another "oblivious world" where i don't even leave the flat, so my thanks really would go to them for keeping me going.